Saturday, 23 October 2010

Armpit


I wonder sometimes what the kids will think when they realize that I keep/have kept a blog where I've put them front and centre. It could go either way. I mean they could shatter my daydream that one day they will be grateful that I recorded their childhood in such a personal and public way by becoming angry that I would expose them in such a way. They could find it one of those irritating things they can't stand about their parents. I don't know. It is a different day from when I was a kid, that's for sure.

I wonder how Deaglan will feel at age 17 that I wrote a post about his love of sticking his hand in his mother's armpit for comfort when he was a toddler. That I told anyone in the free world who cared to know that almost everytime I came into a room, he looked for his beloved choo-choo (soother) and announced the word Armpit implying that he wanted me to sit on the couch beside him and put my arm around him so that he could access the warmth of my armpit while sucking on his soother.

I wonder if he'll roll his eyes that I wrote this post and even included the history of Armpit. That he always, from the day he was born, needed to let me know that he needed comfort, by pinching my arms in the beginning with his pudgy baby hands and then throughout the process of weaning him from my breast , developing the habit of slipping his hand into my armpit to continue our closeness.

I wonder what he'll think about the fact that I loved Armpit and it was just as much a security blanket for me as it was for him. That when I stopped nursing him, I was the saddest I'd ever been in my life because I missed his baby suckling, his need for me in that way. That he substituted this special bond we had with something new, something else just for us. That when I came home from the hospital with Naveen, I cried out of his earshot that I couldn't do Armpit as often first because I was inept at trying to juggle both of their needs.

I wonder if he will ever understand how much I treasured Armpit and the thought of its inevitable ending always reduced me to near-tears. I wonder if he'll understand that keeping this blog helped me remember and savour these treats of motherhood before they slipped through my grasp so mercilessly.

I wonder.
The picture is of Deaglan in the backpack on our wedding day as Shaune and I raced around to get the backyard ready for our guests. It's hard to believe he was that small.

9 comments:

secret agent woman said...

That's such a lovely photo.

I have an agreement with my boys that I won't post photos they don't approve. And even though they don't have access to my blog, I don't post things I think would embarrass them. That way, no worries later.

T Rex Mom said...

I make it a rule to never post an unflattering photos. But everything else is free for the posting.

I find that when I recall little stories like this to my nephew of things that he did as a baby, he actually really enjoys hearing about it. Of course, I'm his aunt and he is only 12. We'll see what the future brings.

This reminds me of a moment I had holding our tiny little girl today. I was holding her up so she could look at the music table her brother was playing with. I was actually a little bored holding her up but she still needs assistance. Then I started to touch her little tiny toes. Just counting them one by one and thinking how amazing they are. Then I thought about how big T Rex was and that his little toes were not baby ones anymore. Then I suddenly missed his baby feet. I have baby feet to hold now but they are not his. I would do anything to go back and hold baby T Rex just one more time. It just goes by too fast. Hmm - you've motivated me to write about this.

I hope you're well, Kim.

Erin said...

Kim,

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and I'm back here to visit you know! (and i'm your newest follower) I wonder the same things---about what my kids will think about my blog once they're old enough to "get it." I have twin girls that are almost 5, so they are still oblivious. Like you, I blog about what is on my mind and hope I won't hurt any feelings in the process.

Thanks for coming to visit me!

Wendy said...

deaglan might not like this post when he is a teen, but how else are you going to remember these moments. time flies! and our memories can only hold so much! love it!

Anonymous said...

Maddie always stuck her hand between my boobs. Didn't matter if she had to pull my shirt down to my knees to access her "warm spot". Despite the humiliation that wearing a "comfortable" bra exposed me to during those searches - I miss it too.

Will you be able to bring the boys in for the office trick-or-treat? Friday, October 29th - starting at 3pm. e-me Shelly_clarke10@hotmail.com

Cheryl said...

That is so, so sweet. It's their unusual habits that we will remember long after they're grown and gone, you know?

septembermom said...

My 13 year old BEGS me not to put anything about him on the blog :) He does give me some good sarcastic material that I sneak in once in a while. I think that your boys will love to see the beauty and affection in all of your posts about them.

Aging Mommy said...

This is a lovely post. I do try on my blog only to talk about anecdotal things with regards to my daughter yet I still do wonder what she will think when she gets older about my publishing so many things about her.

But I am so very grateful that I did start my blog this year and included her in it. I never did manage to start a baby book or scrapbook and so my blog is really a good alternative to that. I only wish I had started my blog when she was a baby.

Gerri said...

Noah still has not officially given his permission for the "Blue Water" post. He is like his Dad...the more private the better. Unless I am talking about how awesome they are! :)

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